The Two Sides of Me (Analee Marie)
by Jade Johanson
Summary: Everybody knows the Doctor hates himself; his existence, his past, his life. And yet looking at the Eleventh Doctor, normally you wouldn't guess, as childish as he acts. So maybe there are two conflicting voices in his head, one telling him how worthless he is, and the other making a defense for what he has done. These are the two sides of the Doctor, in episodes it hurt so much.
1. Chapter 1

_In the Victory of the Daleks:_

 **They knew you would choose the Earth. Because you're weak. You can't even defeat your greatest enemy if your precious humans are threatened. They were there! You could have defeated them! But no, the humans were more important, and now there the Daleks are, wandering through space, destroying more and more civilizations because you couldn't give the Earth up. You couldn't give yourself up. You never could. You destroyed your people, but what do you do? You survive. You hit the button and leave. You always do. You always have.**

It wasn't my choice! It never was! I always have the choice of millions versus the few, the pros versus the cons. And I always choose the humans because they matter. They have emotions. They have feelings. And there will never be a time where those humans will not amount to anything. They're all I have. So I have to save them because I couldn't save my own people. It is my debt to be paid. It is my job to be done, and I will do it to my fullest potential. 

**Bold- the Doctor's Darker Side**

Normal- the Doctor's Helpful Side


	2. Chapter 2

_End of Flesh and Stone:_

 **She's getting married! She's getting married and you let your guard off for a moment! You let her advance! You furthered her dreams! She waited for you and then she gets the chance to travel with you. And now look! Look at the mess you've made! Rory will have to be told and you have to fix their relationship. Just because you gave Amy the chance she wanted, showed her who you could be.**

I didn't know she was getting married!

 **Of course you wouldn't. You just whisk people away, whisk them off, show them the world, then expect them to settle for normal life after you. You're so alien. They can't resist. So why bother? Why not just travel by yourself, leave this world? You've made enough of a mess already.**

I can't travel alone. You've seen it! I go insane!

 **Yes, you would. You just can't resist those little humans. You have to rule the world, be on top of them. You think you rule all. You can just come barging in on their relationships. You think you can ruin their lives.**

I never mean to ruin their lives, just make them better. It's not my fault if I'm wrongly taken!

 **Oh, but it is. It always is. You know what will happen, but you just keep trying. Because you're worthless. You don't have a place on this planet. You don't have a place in the universe. You never have. Even on your own planet, you were always the last person to get noticed. You just don't belong anywhere. And yet I know you will still try and fix Amy and Rory.**

I have to try!

 **But it will go wrong. You will mess it up. Amy will never be able to settle for just plain old Rory and it's all your fault. So go on. Mess it up. Mess everything up, just like you always do.**

At least I try… I always try… That's all that matters… I try… 

**Bold- the Doctor's Darker Side**

Normal- the Doctor's Helpful Side


	3. Chapter 3

_The End of Cold Blood:_

 **You got Rory killed. And now Amy can't even remember him. What good are you? You "fix" their relationship and now it never happened. Why do you even try? You just make things like this happen.**

At least she is freed from the pain of loss. More than I can say.

 **Yes, but is that really better? She can't remember him, the love of her life, so now there's nothing between her and you. And now you can't get the punishment you deserve for ruining Amy's life. You can't even mention Rory. So what good is that? You just made things worse, as always. What is the point of you? They were getting married. They were going to be happy. And yet now all that is left is an engagement ring and a wedding dress, empty mementos that mean nothing to Amy, but the world to you. Just leave her before anything else happens. Give her a normal life. That's the best you can do.**

Is that what she really wants? All she has is an empty house and no Rory. Just empty rooms. Is that life for her?

 **More than you could give her, consorting with danger every day. More than getting her killed. Better than messing her up anymore.**

She has to have someone.

 **But not you. Leave her. She can rebuild her own life.**

I can't… I just can't…

 **You would say that. You just have to stay with them.**

I don't have anyone else! Just Amy now! Just the world!

 **Amy doesn't need you. The world doesn't need you. Just leave. Go into empty space and rot. Nobody needs you anymore. Go die. Nobody cares. Nobody ever cared but you.**

 **Bold- the Doctor's Darker Side**

Normal- the Doctor's Helpful Side


	4. Chapter 4

_End of The Girl Who Waited:_

 **You had shown Amy the world. And then you let her get lost, gone for years in her time stream, and then gave her the chance of her still traveling with you, not losing the last 36 years of her life. You gave her a chance that she could live in the TARDIS with both her younger and older selves, the one who remembered the pain and the one who would never experience it. You just had to lie. You had to give her hope, even when you knew it would be taken away. Why wouldn't the one who had forgotten the joy of time travel not want to experience it again? How could you think she would not? Why do you make promises you can't keep?**

I make them because I want them to have hope, even for a short time. I want them to experience life again. And I knew they would have never survived that without both of them there. So I had to give hope, even if it was to be taken away.

 **That was never justified. You never could bear to tell the truth. You never could. It always hurt too much for you. Sometimes you need to think of the feelings of others before you act. You may be a Time Lord, but that doesn't mean you rule all. Would you really sacrifice yourself for your friends when it really matters? Would you really give it all up? Could you die?**

I would die, if I had to. I would sacrifice everything.

 **No, you wouldn't. You've always been selfish. You would just let them toss their lives away, in your service, because you are vain. You think that you are so much better. But you're not. You deserve to die. This world doesn't need you. It never has. So prove yourself.**

I can't…

 **Because you're weak. You've always been weak. So tear down their lives, because you will regret it in the end. You'll see. You'll wish you had died so much sooner. Because they are going to be your downfall. You will have to stand in front of their graves and bear the pain because you never could die in their place. You will beg for death before the end. And you will know then I was always right.**

 **Bold- the Doctor's Darker Side**

Normal- the Doctor's Helpful Side


	5. Chapter 5

_End of The God Complex:_

 **You let those in your care tap into their hopes, their beliefs, after they were confronted with their fears. YOU GAVE THE ALIEN WHAT IT NEEDED. Are you always so blind to the details? Did you not see that belief is so much stronger than fear?**

Fear, although negative, is a strong force. Something could fuel off that for decades.

 **Yes, but after over a thousand years of time travel, are you still so blind to see that what you gave people was hope? That they are driven by hope? That it is so much stronger than fear?**

I didn't….

 **Of course you wouldn't see the details. You never had anything to believe in. You live, not in hope, not in fear, but in desperation. You feed off the despair inside you. You never could understand them.**

I've found things to believe in, but I've learned, oh how I've learned, they always fade away. Always. So I don't hold onto hope. But I treasure people who do. I thought joy could never be turned against me. I guess I was wrong.

 **You're always wrong. You give people hope and then take it away. You make them die because you never would understand. And someday you will pay. Someday…**

 **Bold- the Doctor's Darker Side**

Normal- the Doctor's Helpful Side


	6. Chapter 6

_After Angels Take Manhattan:_

 **If you can't even watch your friends for one moment, one moment so that they can still travel with you, what good do you think you are saving the world? If you cannot watch out for two people that you have always kept safe, if you let them slip your grasp, are you a worthy caretaker of the world? You always say never them. You did with Rose. And now where is she,** ** _Doctor_** **? I thought doctors were supposed to fix people, make everything right. The love of your life is in a parallel universe, dead now. Donna has forgotten you. And now your beloved Ponds, who you fixed so many times, are gone. You're losing your touch. You should have given up a long time ago. But no, you had to try. How does the pain feel now,** ** _Doctor_** **? How does the loss feel? Is it any better? Did you really think that by entertaining the chance of losing them would help? Because you lost them. They died. So you don't have a purpose anymore. Why couldn't you have just died a long time ago, burned with your people on Gallifrey? Coward. Even they were your fault. Don't you see? You call yourself Doctor, but a better name would be Executioner. Why do you even exist? Because if causing others' lives to crumble into ash to fill the emptiness inside you is existence, then I don't know what is.**

No, this is not existence. It never was. I'm just a ghost now, with a trail of misery in its wake. I'm not the Doctor. I don't deserve that name anymore. After Gallifrey was gone, I never was the Doctor anymore. And now the Ponds are gone forever. So you're right. I give up. I give in. I'm a coward. And now I will wait until the end of time, until I rot, because I have no purpose anymore. No planet. No Ponds. Just me. Just silly, stupid me who though emptiness could be filled by companions when I would just lose them. Just me… 

**Bold- the Doctor's Darker Side**

Normal- the Doctor's Helpful Side


End file.
